Friday 31 December 2010

An Ode to the Joy (and pain) of Twickenham and a healthy dose of anger about 'NYE'

Well hello there dear readers (all 4 of you). I am sorry for the delay in posting. The end of term crept up upon me as it is wont to do and deadlines, alcohol and the horrendous C word (Christmas) prevented me from posting mindless anger on the internet. Perhaps that is a good thing? I am still, by the by, unsure about this whole blog expedition. I feel it is rather like smoking: I am unsure about the benefits of smoking (if there are any) but it has become a rather bad habit and being the lazy and unmotivated git I am I don't hate it enough to quit it. Much like the blog. I am unsure where it is going (at least it is unlikely to kill me, unlike cigarettes) or indeed what good (if any) it is bringing to the world but I am reluctant to quit it. Which is obviously super wonderful to all you beautiful (and odd) people reading it!

Anyway, Christmas happened, turkey, presents, cracker yada yada yada. It was, on the whole, uneventful. I worked Christmas Eve so I didn't even go out and get ridiculously drunk which is a crying shame. Oh, I am back from the commuter belt (as I fondly like to call Surrey) and securely in the middle of the M25 again. (Really, it is much like moving from one commuter belt to the other but this one has the prefix of Greater).

Where I live is en masse unexciting. It is on the very edge of a very large city which you may have heard of called London. The town does have the feel of being slightly overshadowed by something it will never quite be. We are just about on the London Underground (if you count Richmond, which I would say I do, as it is technically walking distance from my house) and very much in the oyster card area. It is known for one thing and one thing only: Rugby. (I am not, of course, from Rugby... I believe that is in the Midlands.) It has a plethora of grotty pubs (and the odd decent one), a selection of places for less than fine dining and an oasis of charity shops. The most exciting thing to happen in Twickenham over the last year was the opening of a Tesco Metro where the Red Lion used to be. I'm not sure how I feel about this because of the whole Socialist tendencies etc. However, its usefulness I cannot quibble. Anyway, when I was at Surrey I held Twickenham in an almost omnipotent glow. Now I am back here I am of course shining a light of similar calibre on Guildford.

Naturally I can see the faults in Twickenham. To name but a few: it's full of chavs; the shops are shit; the whole place needs a throughly good clean; its over run with school and college kids... etc etc. However, it is my home town and in a sort of A E Housman-esque manner I adore it and could sing its praises all day. (A E Housman- A Shropshire Lad, try On Bredon- it'll blow your bollocks off). To suffice to say, I am enjoying being at home. However, Jade and I are LAG TIL WE DIE when we get back to Guildford (after the exams of course). I am more than excited to be back in GTOWN where dreams are made and poets are woven.

Now, I feel is the time to, in a round about way, reveal the true nature of this post. I feel oddly gulity I've lured you all in to a romantic and rather charming account of how I love my town even though it's a shit hole blah blah blah and actually my real reason for this blog was to convey my deep hatred (no suprise there) of New Year's Eve.

I can hear you cry, dear reader, 'But Alex! You hate everything!' In short, yes. However, the way I feel about New Year is paticularly special. I really don't bloody like it. I resent the idea of New Year's Resolutions. January's grotty as fuck without the addition of horrid resolutions to give up the things we love best (fine food, smoking, alcohol, unsuitable suitors etc.) The parties almost always turn out to be shit: everyone gets trashed early on, and someone always starts crying. I always kiss someone inappropriate at midnight. Or worse, as was last year, my New Year's kiss was a gay man who clearly pitied my being unkissed state. Shame.

So my one and only New Year's Resolution was to spend New Year's Eve exactly as I want and the way I want to spend it is by cooking food all afternoon with Redburn, getting drunk and watching Jean Luc Godard films then maybe going to the place I work for a tipple and ending up at my friend Ciara's house at about 3. I refuse to go up to London, to go to a club, to go to a party or to do anything I don't definitely absolutely want to do. And I'm pretty fucking happy about it.

Happy New Year, you beautiful people. May the next year treat you well but not so well that I am jealous of your successes. Love.

Monday 6 December 2010

Hit List

Well hello there all 6 readers. How are we all?

I have had exceptionally bad snow over in this region of Surrey. Now I hate snow. Totally hate it. Cold, wet, miserable and house bound are the four words which spring to mind when I think about snow. Less white Christmas and more fuck my life. I HAD to go home on Thursday and pick up Tristan's Christmas present. (It was gig tickets to a gig we attended on Sunday in Nottingham which was beyond fun). And I waited two hours in the blistering cold for a bloody train. Then more at the next stop. In total it took 3 and a half hours to go 3 stops on the train. At which point I was picked up by my parents. Awesome.

Also, something I feel ashamed about. I hate Christmas. I hate 'good will'. I hate turkey. I hate spending all day in doors. I hate seeing my family stressed. I hate not being able to wander off. I hate buying people things they neither want nor need. I feel uncomfortable about this. Whilst talking to my lecture buddy Becky I said, 'I hate Christmas' and she simply responding with, 'Yeah because you're a miserable cow.' This led me on to thinking about things I dislike. And as you have probably all realised I like making lists so I thought I would list a few things I hate.

1) The General Public- I hate people. Not everyone just most of them. Particularly those on public transport.
2) Which leads me on nicely to People Who Put Their Bags On The Seat On The Train. This is probably my number one hate. Either you have a seat or your bag has a seat. Can you not see that people are STANDING UP and maybe might just want that seat? In fact this irritated me so much that I rang Shoni and spoke very loudly about how much I hate this.
3) People Who Push In The Queue- wait your turn you bastard.
4) Bananas- seriously gross.
5) People Who Over Do It On The Internet- No one cares that you're lonely. Go home.
6) Public Transport- self explanatory.
7) Malibu- too sweet.
8) Dolminos- too expensive, albeit delicious.
9) Being Woken Up- if I'm asleep shut the fuck up.
10) People Who Enjoy Being Stupid- There is no pride in being an idiot. I hate people who become 'famous' because they couldn't pass GCSE RE.
11) Girls Who Are Always Naked on a Night Out- it's cold. Dress accordingly.
12) Jedward- No.
13) Tramp Stamps- No.
14) Certain People- I cannot mention names. But you probably know. Rascists, bigots, homophobes etc...

I have to end it here because I'm getting angry.

Here are the only things I love:

1) Books- they will save your life.
2) The people I am lucky enough to call my friends.
3) Mr. T. P. Redburn. He's cynical and sexy. It's good.
4) Ivy's blog. Read it: http://brightonivy.blogspot.com/ It's so good it should be illegal. In fact it probably is in some countries.
5) The Smiths.
6) Philip Larkin- poetry makes me a bit woozy in general. Bit like getting drunk on intellectualism. Nice.
7) Spotify.

And that is it.

Monday 22 November 2010

'Why hello Overdraft, I've missed you': HOW TO SAVE YOUR PENNIES

Alright so I'm guessing the wide (pahah) demographic of people reading this are mainly students. I mean Shoni's a student. So are Jade, Issy and Matt. Cool. OK so students never have any money ever. It's like our job or something. Get given money from the government, sit around all day getting drunk and writing on blogs then complain we have no money 'cuz i spent it all down taaa' spoons.

So here is a variety of ways to live in the high life (ish) and save money:

1) www.studentbeans.com Create an account. Now.
2) If you don't have one already- get a railcard.
3) http://www.nationalexpresseastanglia.com/offers Amazing. All you need is a valid train ticket. Even if you're not going to use the train it's worth buying a cheap one- £1.80 say (cheaper with your new railcard) and making big savings. Yay.
4) Create casseroles- you can chuck any food in it that needs eating!
5) Freeze your meat bitches. It'll last up to 6 months. No lies.
6) Download Spotify. You won't ever pay for music again.
7) OK I suspect you know this already but if you don't: PRE DRINK.
8) Scour the internet for voucher websites. You'd be amazed at the deals I've picked up: 2 for 1 all over the shop, free drink in a Greene King pub, theatre tickets!
9) Be nice a person. It might not save you money but it'll make you feel better about spending it.
10) Theatres often hold back a few restricted view tickets which you can queue up on the day for. Billy Elliot for £20 as opposed to £80. Don't mind if I do.
11) Charity shops are your friends. Not only do you look original and get green points, you pick up a STEAL.
12) Sometimes it's better to fork out a bit more initially and have things last longer. Primark tights- a pound a pair- Great. Holes in your tights after one wear- Not so great.
13) Get a job, you lazy student.
14) Help your University out. £40 to show people my room. Nice.
15) Enter competitions and surveys- £1000 cash prize for answering some rubbish Union survey for Surrey. Worth a shot.
16) Budget. And stick to it.
17) Branded Ginger Beer- £2.60/litre. Non branded Tesco's own Ginger Beer- 36p/litre.
18) Go into a Supermarket before it shuts and pick up all the best reductions.
19) See January Sales. 70% in Accessorize at the end of January.
20) Furnishing a house? Go on Ebay, source people selling furniture locally and go collect it. £20 for two great condition sofas. Awesome.
21) Buy your books on Amazon. Use the library. Oh, and get a Waterstones card. It adds up.
22) Learn to sew and sew up your button holes, rips etc. Give your clothes a new lease of life.
23) Learn to cook. It's cheaper than ready meals and it'll make you feel better.

Finally if you just can't be good....

24) Make sure your new shoes look nicer than the girl's who live next door.

Monday 15 November 2010

'WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?' "Because people read facebook statuses and not books."




1) Being a student: no money, no clean clothes and mountains of reading.
2) Incredibly poor grammar. How can you expect to sound dynamic when your writing is anything but? I am referring to an horrendously badly written advert I read the other day.
3) Gin and Ginger Beer. New drink of choice.
4) Christmas: how little can I get away with spending?
5) Spotify: I just downloaded Spotify Unlimited (£4.99 a month) and it's amazing.
6) Tristan *
7) Handwritten letters. Just need to buy some stamps.
8) Cooking: one of the only thing I am good at. If I had money and time enough...

9) The half of my joint honours degree: Creative Writing. Is it bullshit?
10) Guildford: it's a super cool place. I've 'discovered' a great new street. Chapel Street. I like it.
11) Carnage: Do I agree with its morals? Almost certainly not.
12) Which leads me on to Jade * and her genius remarks.

13) Rugby.

14) Roman Jakobson: I think I hate Structuralism.

15) Which leads me on to POLITICS (as Structuralism is loved by all Socialists). (Turn off your moniter now- everything from now on will be bollocks). I used to consider myself a bit of a 'raging lefty'; you know the sort of militant socialism you only find amongst the young, middle class and uneducated. But sadly, I'm not much of a socialist. As one of the many students who voted LibDem I'm sort of really fucking angry. Also a bit ashamed. I really dig the Lib Dem. They're not scary like the Tories or outdated like the Labour party. I wish I'd just voted Labour.
16) Mince Pies: Christmas is fucking coming bitches.

* Tristan:


My gorgeous boyfriend. He juggles. With FIRE! He drinks real ale. He likes girls who drink real ale (myself). He did a History degree (we talk about my three faves: Stalin, Lenin and Trotsky). His smile could probably light up the darkest spot of outer Mongolia or some shit. He looks like Jude Law and Ronan Keating (totally hot). He lives in a tiny village miles away from me (Hertfordshire to be precise) and has in the whole time we've been together. But it's cajj because we get a million trains to ferry us all over London and then I get to see that cheeky smile. Long distance relationships do work. And hey check out those killer eyes, I'd travel double the distance for them ;)


**Jade

My long suffering flat mate. Gorgeous isn't she? Anyway, Jade's brilliant drunken comment in a taxi is what led me on to this introduction: when asked 'What's your theme for Carnage?' she answered with the legendary 'Turtles.' Anyway, Jade's my best uni friend. She always has a tidy room, she laughs at me when I need someone to laugh at my jokes, she gets drunk and funny and I get drunk and disgraceful. She can walk in 5 inch heels uncomplainingly and with the grace of Marilyn Monroe (most unfair). Her and Kevin (there you go shout out for you pal) actually attempt to read this hideous internet wankery of a blog. Kevin's cool too, he punctuates his BBMs to me in a way which practically makes me jizz with pleasure. Back to Jade. Jade's better than most people (certainly better than me). If you are lucky enough to meet her, you must treat her as such. Or we'll probably just start jumping around (one of our 'dance moves') and thrusting. It's kind of scary.

Thursday 11 November 2010

DEMOLITION: Same Shit, Different Person Saying It

I didn't go to the demolition. I think this probably makes me a bad student or something but I had a seminar for my creative writing module and my attendance in those has been sproadic at best and I'd definitely be a bad student if I fail the essay I've been set for next Wednesday :

But after watching the videos of the Millbank protestors I am so angry. Classic example of a few individuals fucking it up for everyone else. The image of students is already bad enough without some idiots deciding it's OK to storm the Tory Headquarters. It negates the whole purpose of the march and the message is lost. Well the fuck done.

In an aside, I despair of transport this week.

Thursday 4 November 2010

TWITTER: THE PLOT THICKENS

After airing my dirty laundry on the internet, I am met with the inevitable backlash. Apparently, Twitter is a good thing? So here we go, Twitter: The Good, The Bad and The Stupid.

THE GOOD:

After doing some further 'research' (if you can call a google search and a chat with Will over a cigarette research) I have come to the conclusion (more like I have been forcibly told) that Twitter can be useful.

"How?!" I hear you beautiful readers cry! Well, let me enlighten you. One of the most annoying things about google is a search will often bring you results from 6 months to 2 years ago. If you are looking for current and update information it can be difficult to find this through google. However, as Twitter is constantly being updated with 'tweets', it is an excellent resource for finding up to the minute information.

Also, as you choose who you 'follow' you can then choose whose 'ramblings' appear on your page. Therefore if you harbour a particular interest in say...Ashton Kutcher you can follow his diabocal tweets to his cougar wife Demi. This could be useful for someone is studying science or medicine, as you can follow researchers. Hmm.

Finally, and this is a point with two halves. I have read that large coroporate companies have chosen to publicise their products and discounts through Twitter. This has two sides: obviously if you are looking to buy a laptop finding a discount would be great, however as we learnt from 'The Social Network' advertising just isn't cool.

THE BAD:

See blogpost001.

THE STUPID:

"Anyone know how many toothpicks are in a standard box? has it traditionally been that number?" Oh dear

"Itchy fucking eye" Who cares?

"Good news: I get to leave the house today. Bad news: It’s to buy new catheter bags." This is actually real. TOO MUCH INFORMATION.


In conclusion, I am no closer to cracking the enigma that is Twitter. But, apparently hating Twitter isn't cool. Sorry, I still think it's shit, although I now slightly respect it's 'functions'. Although, the word 'tweet' makes me sick.

Over and out.

An aside: To clarify from 'Am I a Wanker?' I love pot noodles I just don't have any at the minute.



Wednesday 3 November 2010

AM I A WANKER?

I've had a few gins and perhaps it's time for some introspection. After reading my latest 'blogpost' back to myself I began to wonder: am I a wanker?

EVIDENCE FOR BEING A WANKER:
  • I enjoy using long words
  • My main interests are theatre, literature and art
  • My favourite band are The Smiths
  • I have a blog
  • I liked myspace better than facebook
  • I drink gin
  • I am a student yet I have feta in my fridge and not a pot noodle in sight
  • I would sell my soul to work in the creative industry
  • I talk about my own 'pretentiousness' far too much
  • Finally, I am making a list of why I am/am not a wanker

EVIDENCE FOR NOT BEING A WANKER:

  • I passionately hate anything that is ridiculous on the internet. (You have surely already heard this from my hatred of twitter)
  • I enjoy getting drunk
  • I am from South London
  • I don't pretend to be something I'm not and I'm brutally honest
  • Finally, I am making a list of why I am/am not a wanker

Am I a wanker? Discuss.

A Book, A Poem and some letters



I read a marvellous book today. Room by Emma Donoghue. It is one of those books that you can literally read in one sitting. It was affecting, beautifully written and utterly original. One of those books that stays inside you and makes the world seem ever so slightly different. The very best sort I suppose.

'Room' is the story of five year old Jack and his ma who are imprisoned in a room measuring eleven feet by eleven feet. So far, so Fritzl. But,what makes this book so original is the narrator. The narrative is entirely told by Jack, who was born in the room and believes that there is nothing else except for his ma, 'Old Nick' and the room. Jack is a fallible narrator and Donoghue's use of dramatic irony is simply wonderful. Jack is unaware what is going on when he is counting the 'creaks' 'Old Nick' makes on the bed whilst he is with Jack's ma whereas the reader can see a much darker side to this. I've never read anything like it before, it was so powerful, so real, and so incredibly affecting.

In other news, if you have nothing to do please read 'An Almost Made Up Poem' by Charles Bukowski. http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/an-almost-made-up-poem/

Finally, I have begun writing letters. I miss the handwritten letter. I miss a scribbled note on the fridge instead of a text message. I love the idea of someone's hand curling my name into their own scrawl. Shoni (again, I implore you to read her blog http://shonielizabeth.blogspot.com/) has recently written me a handwritten letter and it was such a joy to open. It is currently stuck on my wall in front of me amongst pritned out pictures from my travels. So to all my friends out there expect a handwritten letter over the next few weeks. So much more effort than a text, and so much more rewarding (for the reciever and the writer).

An aside though, be warned, once you start writing letters...you might never stop.

This is 'BLOGPOST002'. It's been eventful. Bye Blog.

Monday 1 November 2010

Blogging: Is It Shit Like Twitter?

Twitter is something I totally don't get. It is the assumption that you are interesting enough for someone to actually want to read your ramblings. How self indulgent to assume that some other person really cares about your little, random, insignificant thoughts. I dislike the idea of someone like myself (who has achieved virtually nothing) thinking that their thoughts are fascinating enough to be broadcast on the internet for others to read. Perhaps it is OK if you are geniunely funny (Stephen Fry) or geniunely intelligent (nobel prize winner for example).
Anyway, I consider(ed) blogging to be largely in this vein. Self indulgent crap that no one except the writer of said blog (in my ideal fantasy this pretend blog is called something like 'My Secret and Private Diary' or some other generic yet amusing name) is at all interested in.

However, my dear friend (Shoni) has recently started a very entertaining blog (in fact go read it instead of this one http://shonielizabeth.blogspot.com/ ) and my boyfriend and his close friend write a highly amusing blog (http://sleazytiger.blogspot.com/ ). These two events have made me curious to the world of blogging (not that of Twitter- I still think Twitter is for self love and the mentally retarded), so much so that I propose to start my own blog. And find out if 'Blogging is shit like Twitter'.

Anyway, this is (shit) blogpost 001. It is the blog's birthday. Happy birthday blog.



Unless you want to hear a few trivial details about the author (that's me) I suggest you exit the browser now.

I am an English Literature and Creative Writing undergraduate at the University of Surrey. I am from somewhere within the m25. I dislike over familiarity on the internet and bad grammar. I can live with the latter but most definitely not the former. My name is (0bviously) Alexandra. I answer to Alex. Alexandra is preferable.

I feel a bit sick posting this.